Anyway, my primary school was a village school, so it was small. It had about 150-200 students. One Christmas, they decided to throw a Christmas party for the kids and parents. If you enjoyed hearing the song "diallo" playing on loop with the occasional sound of a parent bollocking their kid for drinking the Blue-coloured drinks, then this is your kind of thing.
Towards the end of the night, all the kids were high on food colouring, and it was time to meet "Santa" himself! We queued up patiently to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what we'd like for Christmas. It was my turn.
I sat on his lap and looked at his beard, and noticed that it had a string on it and it was wonky. I was like "You're not Santa! Your beard has a string on it!". The Santa had a sad look on his face, then he started a convincing sobbing "For thousands of years I had a fantastic beard. I don't have a real beard any more because somebody called Mr Johnson (my maths teacher who has a large beard and was very proud of) stole it. I asked him nicely if he could give it back, but he didn't listen. Maybe you and your friends can find Mr Johnson and get my beard back in time for next year?"
I was only 5 so I believed him, so I was fucking furious at Mr Johnson. The next time we had Maths after Christmas, me and most of my class gave him hell for stealing Santa's beard. We told him that we would not do our work until he gives Santa his beard back. The kids were furious, and Mr Johnson was even stricter than usual. After a few weeks of shit, he finally came into school without a beard. Anytime we asked him what happened to his beard he would tell us off. We assumed that he had given it back to Santa.
Here's the interesting part that I found out many years later: It turns out that the Santa was actually my English teacher Mr Brown, and he deliberately made the beard look fake. Why? Because Mr Johnson was banging Mr Brown's wife and Santa found out. Because of this, Mr Brown decided to get as many kids as he could to hate Mr Johnson. Mr Brown knew that Mr Johnson would either have to deal with children who hated him or he would have to shave off his beard that he loved dearly."
