The Politics of Ronald McDonald Land - by Justin Benedict

I have been having trouble getting to sleep thinking of the world of McDonaldland. Do you ever think that the Hamburglar may have begun his crime spree because of his apparent cleft palate, or whatever it is that causes him to babble unintelligbly as he runs about in that freaky Spy Vs. Spy knockoff with the bumblebee shirt?

My vague memory of the Hamburglar was that he was unstoppable from stealing hamburgers because the head cop in town was this freak-show with a Big Mac for a head and a constable's outfit. The constable got his job, apparently through a relative, the burger-headed Mayor McCheese which, though giving great credit for employment for the obviously disabled, creates great questions about gubernatorial corruption in McDonaldland.

Why wasn't RONALD elected mayor of McDonaldland? Perhaps he was like the, um, ruling feudal lord or something. Or, maybe it's because he liked spending so much time singing and dancing.

It was distressing in McDonaldland that although hamburgers were bought and sold (and stolen by the Hamburglar) they were initially grown in fields, and were actually alive little burgers, that perhaps screamed "Don't pick me! Don't slaughter me! I want to grow up to get a nepotism job in government!"

The Grimace's role in McDonaldland was also confusing, though I imagine he was what the Elephant Man would have been like on speed.

And what about those little dancing mop head things?

I don't understand the horror of children's television. It is just too much for me. Little dancing mop heads, screaming little fields of hamburgers, and these were just the commercials.

McDonaldland was debatably some sort of nuclear reactor thingie gone bad, but what about wherever it was that H.R. Pufinstuf lived? Do you remember the horrible ordeal that the English kid that played the Artful Dodger on "Oliver" went through, dude?

He wound up on the Island with a talking flute in his pocket...(Though I can imagine the flute being helpful when he was on a date "Kiss her now, Jimmy")

Witchie-Poo was always chasing Jimmy and the talking Flute and then Jimmy was assisted by good old H.R., who had a big yellow head that made one think of a Six Million Dollar Lemon.

Then of course, there was Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, and the teenage airheaded version of Jody Davis from "Family Affair." Guess his living situation with Uncle Bill and his jocker Mister French just wasn't gory enough...remember, Buffy O.D'd and Cissie ended up making horrible furniture commercials!

During periods of unemployment, I occasionally check out kids TV today...so much of it is milder, and there's always a message of some sort. I was watching "SpongeBob Squarepants" and he had a paper due, perhaps from Davy Jones's Locker University, and of course, Spongebob was stalling.

Do I know why an underwater cleaning utensil was taking academic courses? No, and it didn't matter. There was a wonderful message about getting your homework done on time. "Dexter's Laboratory" for some reason makes me wonder about the childhood of Karl Rove, and "Bob the Builder" builds on, with or without funding from Fannie Mae.

"My Little Pony" has NOTHING to do with gay S&M rituals, and yeah, modern TV's great.

But did our generation ever outgrow the horrible schlock handed to us from Seals & Crofts & Hanna-Barbera? The prehistoric suburbia of "The Flintstones",for instance, ruined me for any interest in natural history.

Even now, I wonder sometimes if there was a sympathetic (or nearsighted) mouse doing a quick sketch inside of a camera as it was in Fred's shooter, perhaps I wouldn't look as fat as I do when I'm photographed with one of those little disposable jobs from CVS.

"The Simpsons" and "Family Guy" are hard evidence that our generation just couldn't make the healthy transition to adult shows like "Inside Washington." Yes, a mumbling Charles Krauthammer just isn't any competition for Peter whatshisname's talking dog.